Can’t Sleep (rant-not the best kind of random)

Until I write this stuff down. Here I go at 1:47am in the morning, a mid(dle of the)night rant.

At least I’m not being kept up because of my coughing fits, in which case I would be huddled in the fetal position, wiping the tears from my eyes caused by the pain the coughs induced in me. But enough about that. I can feel me getting better already!

No, what is keeping me up is a good hard look at the job I have now. If you’ve been keeping up, you’ll know that I was very excited to start it, then had some complaints about it, and now I’m downright doubting it altogether. I’m pretty sure it’s the whole nature of the job, being purely commission based.

And you know what? I think that may be my whole problem. It’s not that I’m not GOOD at it. I know I am. I know I can be GREAT at it if I keep working on it. Customer relations has always been my strong suit and I’ve always been a very persuasive person but it just…..everything feels so WRONG.

Even if I AM making money for charity, I still feel like I’m in this job for the wrong reasons. Well, not right for me anyways. When I think of what motivates me in this job, it’s MONEY. I am literally working for money. Work hard and better, I get more money. Don’t work and I get no money. Money money money. I’m working for money!!

And that is just……it doesn’t sit well with me. I have never been a person that cared about working for money. Heck, I didn’t even know how much social workers (my ex-career consideration) made until my 2nd year in university! That’s just never been something I really cared about. I mean, sure I knew I had to find a job that could support me, but making a lot of money wasn’t a criteria for my career search.

I had a clear plan back then. I knew exactly what I had to do and how to get there. I knew what to expect when I got there and figured the rest would just…come to me.

Laying in bed just now, really taking the time to think of my current job, I realized that what I’m learning is not really what I WANT to learn. Yet, one of the reasons I talked myself into staying is that I still have so much to learn. But about what? About how to get people to spend money? About how to manipulate myself to talk people into giving me their money. I feel so….fake. I know I’m making money for the charity as well as myself but the bottom line is….I’m only doing this for money. That’s the part that hurts.

I also don’t see myself staying with this place for long, but if I somehow manage to become a manager in a year, how could I leave? By then, I’ll have a bunch of people under me that I need to take care of and guide and such. Why am I working towards a goal I don’t want?

Maybe the owners were right in my evaluation before I got hired. I’m not in this field so I don’t seem suited for this job. I feel so different from everyone else in the company. I don’t want a job to make money. I want a job to make a difference in people’s lives. To help people.

I also really want to learn more about event planning and I’m learning none of that stuff in this job. Even as an owner, I’ll only learn how to get these daily events for my company. I’m talking about large events like golf tourneys or banquets or concerts.

I don’t even enjoy this job. If I wanted a job where I had to stand all day, smile at everyone and be courteous to all customers, I might as well get a retail job. At least then I’d be paid minimum wage.

I guess I was so blinded by finally having a post-school job that I forgot about how much I don’t like commission-only jobs. I rationalized to myself that it was ok because I was doing it for charity.

Boy, I’m really good at talking myself out of/into things huh? I’ll need to talk to my boss and leader. Looks like I’ll be resigning. This job just isn’t right for me.


About yuki

I'm pretty awesome.
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